EN// When I was 16 I did not know what I wanted to do with my life. Whenever somebody asked me about my future I used to say I want to be happy. That's it. And nothing has changed. And with nothing I actually mean nothing. Not only that I still want to be happy but also that I do not have a clue what to do with my life. And with 16 I thought I will have found my way with 23.
Duh. Well, of course I would love to do many things but I am talking work-wise. After 3 and a half years of work experience next to my studies and now in my internship I am pretty certain about what I do NOT want to do. That is for sure. You will not see me in a bank or even some other job in the service sector. I can spot myself better in the consumer good industry out of that simple reason that I need to identify with the product I am selling or working on. That pretty much reduces the possibilities to fashion, beauty and food.
I know that I like to talk, I like to be creative, I do not like to sit at my desk the whole time and quietly work for myself. I freaking hate that. I need to stand up, walk, communicate, spread ideas. I also love to write. But am I patient and talented enough to sit down and write a whole book? Would anyone be interested in that? Would I apply for an internship again - with almost 24 years and lots of work experience (also international!) and a bachelor's degree? No! But why does every junior job position already require 2-3 years of significant and field-related work experience? And what kind of job am I looking for anyway? And do I want to study again? Do I want to have a master's degree? Yes! Because I prefer studying over working. I like to learn. I am good at exams. I should study. But what? And where? And which university would accept me and my dual bachelor degree? Would I really want to leave the city or country? Yes! I want to see the world. But I miss my boyfriend, family and friends like hell. And I do not have an unlimited bank account. And oh, by the way, what do I want to study?
Oh my god. I am so exhausted. Exhausted from nothing but agonizing. My head and heart are going to explode or break soon. I did not even apply to anything. No job. No university. I did not even take the GMAT although I started studying for it half a year ago. And then I ask myself why? There has to be a reason for my procrastination, right?
And as I am typing this I realize that this is more of a diary entry than a blog post. Not fashion related, not even interesting and no turning point or conclusion in sight. But maybe some of you can relate to it. Maybe someone feels as lost as I do sometimes. It is always good to know that you are not alone out there. That you can never tell from the outside what is going on in another person's head.
Sometimes I wake up at night and feel anxious. Sometimes it comes out of nothing. Anxiety is something relatively new to me and it hits me pretty hard every time it sneaks around. I do worry a lot. I do worry too much. And I think everybody else has got the plan. But they do not. Not everyone. And then I just have to think of how lucky and blessed I am. To have the most caring parents, the most loving boyfriend, the most amazing friends. I have a bachelor's degree and graduated within the top 10% of my class. I had the best childhood ever. I am able to live in New York City right now. I have a lot. I have a lot to be thankful for. And all these things outweigh the big knot of thoughts in my head that triggers anxiety.
But still, what am I going to do in 2 months time?
(DE// Sorry, es gibt keine deutsche Übersetzung. Ich habe einfach auf englisch angefangen zu schreiben, weil ich gerade noch so drin war. Wenn euch der kleine Ausbruch da oben irgendwie doch gefallen hat, kann ich euch auch Chi's Artikel empfehlen. Und lasst mir gerne eure Gedanken zu dem Thema da. Und auch zu dem Post an sich. Ob ihr so etwas nie wieder hören wollt oder das schon in Ordnung war. XO.)